How Can I Help My Child Who is Struggling With Low Self Esteem

 

How Can I Help My Child Who is Struggling With Low Self Esteem 

 

Introduction

     Emerald’s mum couldn’t shake off the gnawing feeling that something was wrong with her 9-year-old daughter. What it was, she couldn’t say but she just knew deep down that Emerald needed help. Her countenance wasn’t as bright and cheerful as it used to be.

Earlier that afternoon, while she had gone to pick Emerald up from school, Mistress Celine her class teacher had complained that Emerald was doing poorly in class and would rarely participate in class activities, especially those that require that she makes presentations. The teacher further added that Emerald had even resorted to stealing other pupils’ stuff. She warned that if Emerald didn’t improve or change her behavior, she would be disciplined.

 All through the drive home, there was pin-drop silence in the car, they could both hear each other’s breath sounds. Later that evening after deep thoughts, Mrs. Okoye called Emerald to her room to have a word with her.

As calmly as she could, Mrs. Okoye began

Mrs. Okoye: Emerald, I am really worried about the things your teacher told me about you this afternoon. Why did you steal from your classmates? Did you need the items you stole and if you did, why didn’t you ask me? I am not happy that you stole from your classmate

Emerald: I am sorry mom, I am truly sorry. I lied. I wasn’t the one who stole the hair band that was missing. Even the other things I owned up to stealing, I didn’t steal them, Ifeoma and her friends did. I just said it was me so that I will be punished instead of them and I was hoping that if that happens, they will like and accept me as their friend. I don’t have any friends in school and no one likes me or wants me as their friend because I am not smart and beautiful. It makes me feel so sad.

At that instant, Mrs. Okoye began to understand what she was dealing with. Emerald was struggling with low self-esteem. She knew because she had casually picked up a Child Care Journal some time ago and skimmed through it. She couldn’t help but notice that the things that Emerald was saying were similar to what she had read in one of the topics in the Journal that talked about children’s self-esteem.

 Not armed with enough information on what to do, Mrs. Okoye asked Emerald to go and rest that they would be having another discussion soon.

Does this sound familiar to you? If it does follow me as we study the phenomenon of low self-esteem in children, its causes, and consequences and explore ways we can boost the self-esteem of your child.

What Is Self-Esteem?

    According to psychologists, self-esteem is an individual’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. It is one’s confidence in their abilities and worth, how much they appreciate, value, and like themselves.

Children are not born with a high sense of self-esteem. It is acquired, nurtured, and developed as a child interacts in a loving relationship with his /her parents and the caregivers around him. As parents lovingly nurture their little ones, giving attention, support, smiles, hugs, nods of approval, and showing excitement at their little wins, they feel loved, wanted, accepted, worthy, valuable, and important. This gives the child a sense of security and empowers them to believe in themselves. This is the foundation upon which self-esteem thrives. If however, the child goes through any experience during childhood that robs him of the ability to see himself as worthy and valuable, his self-esteem will be depleted and then that child is considered to have low self-esteem

Causes of Low Self-Esteem

      1. Lack of parental care and concern or over-involvement in your child’s life 

Lack of involvement in the life of your child makes the child feel unloved, unimportant, and unwanted and this breeds a feeling of low self-worth. Children who grow up in such families end up becoming withdrawn, unable to cultivate healthy and lasting relationships, and unable to dream big, aim high and achieve much in life. They always feel “not good enough” because they try to rationalize that their parents would have shown them love and care if they were deserving and worthy of it. This feeling produces low self-esteem in children.

On the other hand, as much as parents must get involved and support their children to explore their world, over-involvement in the child’s life robs the child of the opportunity to identify who he is, what his strengths and weaknesses are, and how best to navigate all the twists and curves that life presents to him with great expectations and successful outcomes. This group of children depends solely on their parents for their existence and decision-making. They deify their parents and measure all of their achievements by the standards created by their parents. They strive to become a copy of their parents and when they fall short, they are usually unable to deal with their failures.

 Parents need to sometimes step back and allow their children to make decisions for themselves, struggle, fail, succeed at it, learn the lessons therein and become empowered to do better next time. It is this balance between being supportive and giving your children enough space to allow them to discover themselves that marks the foundation for healthy self-esteem in children.

   

  2.      Childhood trauma

       A difficult and painful experience that hurts deeply and is difficult to let go of or forget. Examples of childhood trauma include:

i.                      Loss of a loved one through death, separation, divorce, abandonment, or any other means

ii.                   Physical injury especially one which results in deformity or disability,

                                                                                                                                             

3.   Abuse

       This is the mistreatment of someone which most times is done to unfairly gain some benefits. Abuse of a child comes in different forms and most times it comes from loved ones. Examples of abuses include;

i.                     Physical abuse – This involves constant beating, violent shaking, choking, rough handling, etc. of a child.

ii.                   Sexual Abuse – this happens when an adult, teenager, or even another child uses their power or authority to force or coerce another child into engaging in any form of sexual activity. This can be so traumatic that many children never recover from the experience especially when they don’t receive any form of therapy after the incident occurred.

iii.                  Emotional Abuse- this happens when a child is treated in a way that attacks their emotional, mental, and psychological well-being. Examples include negative criticism, especially from parents, teachers, and loved ones, bullying of any kind, verbal and non-verbal assault like name calling, cursing, angry looks and stares, isolation, and outward show of rejection.

 

 

Impacts of Low Self-Esteem

• Anxiety. The constant fear of failure and rejection that people with low self-esteem have affects their mental health so much that they frequently exhibit excessive and abnormal states of worry.
• Eating disorders. Overeating is the most common eating disorder that people with low self-esteem suffer from. This is because eating gives them the satisfaction and happiness (however shortlived that is) they lack and crave so much. This is harmful because overeating causes them to gain so much weight and then they look more unattractive, get more rejection, and sink deeper into their state of low self-esteem. 
• Emotional distress. Low self-esteem messes up one’s emotions so much. People with low self-esteem constantly have mood swings, are always bitter, are prone to crying for no apparent reason, are angered easily, and exhibit heightened negative emotions.
• Panic disorder. This is an anxiety disorder where one experiences regular bouts of panic attacks characterised with sweaty palms and racing heartbeats. This comes with their irrational fear of failure. 
• Risky behaviors. Risky behaviours like delinquency and truancy can sometimes be traced to low self-esteem. For teenagers, it is a form of self-expression having been suppressed for a long time.
• Social anxiety disorder. This is a mental health disorder where one is unable or unwilling to have social interactions. They dread speaking in public, avoid eye contact, and avoid forming and nurturing relationships, especially relationships outside the family zone.
• Substance use and abuse. They easily experiment with harmful psychoactive substances like Indian hemp, cannabis, alcohol, etc. This could be a result of not being able to resist or stand up to peer pressure or peer bullying. It could also be a coping mechanism.
• Stress. This could lead to health diseases like high blood pressure, migraine, improper digestion, etc.
• Failed relationships. They find it hard to make and keep friends, they always feel lonely, sad, and isolated even when they are in the midst of people.

Consequences of Low Self-Esteem in Children

1.  They usually exhibit a lack of control over their lives. This is because they have an external locus of control. (External locus of control describes a situation where someone, now in this instance a child, tries repeatedly to do something and fails. After a while, the child begins to feel that no matter what he/she does he would never get it right. So he opts to stop trying because in his mind he rationalizes that there is no use trying if he is going to fail all the same).

      2.     They engage in people-pleasing behavior. They feel guilty when they say no to others, they satisfy the needs of others to the detriment of their own need.

     3.   They don’t set and reinforce boundaries (they usually fear that people will stop liking them if they were to spell out boundaries to them). This is the reason why your daughter keeps tolerating the bullying from a classmate or a friend even when you can see she is hurt by it.

     4.    They lack self-trust.

     5.    They constantly compare themselves to others. Children with low self-esteem usually indulge in Negative self-comparison. A situation where they critically compare themselves with people whom they perceive to be better than them is known as UPWARD Social comparison. This can be positive if it motivates one to aim to be better but when it leaves the comparer with a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness then it can take a hit on the child’s self-esteem and make him feel inadequate and worthless.

     6.   They usually doubt and second guess themselves and also worry a lot.

     7.     They find it difficult to accept positive feedback about themselves. When they are praised or complimented for something they did or own, they always feel that the praise is not genuine as they see themselves as undeserving or unworthy of praise.

     8.     They find it difficult to seek help when they need it because they have already assumed that they are not deserving of anything good, help inclusive.

     9.    They usually indulge in negative self-talk. You will always hear them say things like "I am dumb, I hate myself, I am not good enough, I am not beautiful, no one loves me", etc.

    10.   They exhibit an abnormal fear of failure and this might make them not venture taking tasks or projects and when they do and fail they blame everyone else for their failures.

    11.   They can involve in what is known as Self-sabotaging. This is a process where someone fears failure so much that they hamper their own success and craftily project their failures on someone else or something else. For instance, a child might decide to lie in bed and pretend to be sick so that the failure of an exam won’t be attributed to his lack of intelligence but rather to the sickness(something he has no control over).

    12.   They might feel that they are incapable of replicating success and thus dwell so long on that one-time achievement, unwilling to try something higher for fear of failing and wiping off the success record with a fail.

    13.   They would usually turn off their camera during virtual learning, make self-limiting comments about themselves or take the fall for a crime they didn’t commit.

 

 

 

Ways to Help Your Child Build A Healthy 

Sense of Self-Esteem

            1. Show your child unconditional love and acceptance. Let him/her know that your love for  and acceptance of them does not depend on what they did or didn't do, neither does it depend on their intelligence, brilliance, or accomplishments. Be their biggest cheerleader, cheering them on as they tackle all the hurdles that life presents to them

           2.  Encourage them to help someone else feel good about themselves. Teach them to be kind, to be giving, and to be loving. This makes your child feel like a hero of some sort and that feeling can boost their confidence and sense of self-worth.

           3.  Guide them to do things that make them feel good. It could be drawing, crocheting, sewing, painting, playing a musical instrument, etc.

    4.   They need to stay physically active—exercise can help improve mood.

 
    5.  Encourage them to think about and focus on something they are good at.

 
    6.  Encourage them to keep a gratitude journal. A diary where they write down the things they are grateful for. The gift of family, good friends, health, a roof over their head, passing a math quiz, a sincere compliment from his/her class teacher etc.

 
    7.  Instruct them to challenge every negative thought. They must downplay/ disregard / ignore negative talks. Talks that make them feel that they are not good enough.

 
   8.  Encourage them to spend time with people who make them feel good about themselves.

 
   9.  Guide them to volunteer to help others. They can do community service

 

  10.  Teach them to always remember that everyone makes mistakes and as such, they shouldn’t crucify themselves when they make mistakes rather they should learn from their mistakes.

 11.  Teach them to celebrate their accomplishments, both big and small achievements.

       12.   Teach them to love themselves and make positive self-affirmations

       13.   They should laugh more. You can achieve this by engaging in more play time with them.

       14.   Point out their areas of improvement and achievement no matter how small it is.

       15.   Applaud their achievements and be specific. For instance, you can say “I am happy that you made an effort to tidy up your room before leaving for school this morning.

        16.   Set them up for success by giving them tasks you know that they can succeed at and applaud their success.

         17.    Help them acquire a skill or expertise. Learning how to do something and doing it well builds one’s confidence and this in turn boosts one’s self-esteem.

        18.   Seek professional counseling/medical help if your child is suffering from a very severe form of low self-esteem.

       19.   Finally and most importantly take it to God in prayer with faith. Jeremiah 32:27 says "Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh, is there anything too hard for me?  Surely God is our anchor and there is no challenge that He cannot help us through.

 I hope this has been helpful. Feel free to drop your comments on how helpful this has been.